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I’m just giving you slivers of some of the conversations I had with these rural gay men. I feel some guys would delete the apps if their wives would just play with their prostates.”
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“I’ve also discovered there is that element of not knowing how to ask for something in the bedroom. He said that when it comes to younger guys, they are using the apps as “a way to push open the closet door.” When it comes to older gentlemen in the South, Russell explained, “It’s definitely a lot of society trapped them/Southern culture prevented them from exploring their sexuality and they’re using apps to finally explore that piece of themselves.” He then added, “And then a lot of people are just trying to get something they can’t get at home.” I asked him if he meant from their wives at home. Ryan, 36, from New Salem, Massachusetts offered some reasons from his experience: “Some are married men, some are bi, things like that.” Russell went into generational differences that he’s noticed. Some responders did, however, back up my own closet-case assessment of faceless pics. In a big city, this is different because with several million people, how often is anyone going to recognize you from your profile pic? That put an end to his feeling safe having his photo where any stranger could log on and see it. Once, a man approached him at his job and said he recognized him from Grindr-and this creep took that to mean my friend was game to hook up. In fact, when I told one of my local gay friends about this assignment, he explained that he doesn’t have a photo on his profiles for this very reason. So as it turns out, some percentage of faceless profiles on the grids in small towns are actually openly gay men. As Russell, 25, from Ocean Springs, Mississippi put it, “People talk! The community is so tiny and everyone knows everyone … just because you’re the neighborhood cum dump and everyone knows, that doesn’t mean you’ve explicitly told mamma either.”
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They explained it was the small-town atmosphere, rather than the closet, that kept some men in the dark. While I had assumed these blanks were all closet cases, many respondents begged to differ. I began by asking respondents why they think men choose not to have face pics in their profiles. Some percentage of faceless profiles on the grids in small towns are actually openly gay men. Apparently, this is what rural gay life looks like in 2019: a smartphone screen pocked with digital glory holes.
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I cannot look at those darkened spaces on my grids and not think of them as relics of our gay past. My Scruff is a little better, with 25 out of 150 showing no face, 10 of those having no pic at all. When I open Grindr, I count 56 out of 100 with no face pic, 48 of those with absolutely no pic at all. But in places like where I live, they’re the norm. In bigger cities, faceless profiles that only feature someone’s torso are pretty common completely blank ones may pop up 1 out of 50 times-so uncommonly, most guys probably don’t even interact with them. In rural areas, at certain times of day, your grid may display profiles from 200+ miles away. Your top row may be two to 15 miles away, second row 30–45 miles. In less-densely populated areas, the profiles displayed will have greater distances between them. In a heavily populated area, your grids will display profiles that are very close to you, sometimes within 20 feet, with the breadth of your grid stretching out perhaps one to five miles at most. I should know: As an openly gay man living in central Illinois, blanks are a troubling constant of my daily life.įor those who’ve never received a “sup” at 2 a.m., a bit of background: The two most popular gay dating apps, Grindr and Scruff, feature a GPS grid that shows profiles of nearby men.
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But in rural regions of the country, the faceless profile-calling card of the forever “discreet”-takes up an unavoidable amount of real estate. In general, this mixing is fine: Ignore the closet cases if you’re not into that. Any number of hookup apps afford them the safety of an anonymous, blank profile in the same sexual ecosystem as the most out-and-proud among us. We’re Here, We’re Married, We’re EmployedĬontact with gay sexuality used to look very different for closeted gay men: parks at night, porn stores, and rest area restrooms that bore the signature punch-out between two stalls just big enough to fit one’s dick through-the storied “glory hole.” More recently, instead of cruising in these secretive physical gay spaces, they have become able to scratch their itch online. Will the NFL Finally Support Gay Players? This post is part of Outward, Slate’s home for coverage of LGBTQ life, thought, and culture.